My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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