After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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