I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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