i barfeds in our rink
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
