I'm so fucking centered right now
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize