I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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