just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
