So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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