I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
