I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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