Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
