honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
