I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
