then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
