He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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