My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
