ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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