I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
