i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
