3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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