My sheets look like a crime scene.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
