i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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