Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
