People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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