he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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