Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
