Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
