I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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