True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
