Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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