Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
