I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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