I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
