Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it was like eating out sand paper
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
