and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
