I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
