Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
vagina is talking i cant
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My liver just had a heart attack.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
