Redeem this text for a blowjob
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
bring money and cleavage
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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