took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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