HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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