just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Green mimosas i think yes
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
