get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
