Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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