I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
