Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
