It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
