We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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