I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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