ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
