Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
