Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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