puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
