he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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