Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
