Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
