The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
