You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
