new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
