rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
